Learning to live again
I have been told that my first word was “Ammi” not mummy or papa, But ever since I can remember whenever I was in trouble the first word that came to my mind was “Papa”. Even today whenever I am feeling sad or alone, I think “Ki mujeh Papa ke pass jana hai” (That, I want to go to my father) but then second thought comes He is no more. So, do I have to die as well to meet him?
In the initial days after I had lost him, I searched a lot on google about black magic or things which claims you can call a soul and talk to them, I want to call his soul and keep it with me forever.
From my childhood, I was always frightened to see people losing their loved ones, I was always afraid of the same thing happening to me. I remember the day, I was about to start my 6th standard classes. It was a fateful day when I and my father lost our “amma”. Although she was my father’s mother still we all used to call her “amma”. It was the first time in my life I saw my papa “a man” crying on his loss. My mother, my aunts, and other ladies were there as well, and they all were crying with screams. My uncles also were there, they were very sad but they weren’t crying. If it were any other day Papa would have been the one with the biggest genuine smile on his face but today Papa was crying. He wasn’t shouting or screaming, he was just crying with his hands on his forehead and tears in his eyes. At that time I wasn’t able to feel the feeling of my father yet I was crying, seeing that today Papa is so much devastated that he is crying. At that time I didn’t know how bad that feeling would be. From that day onward I was more terrified of losing anyone dear to me.
I tried many times to ask Papa how does it feel to lose someone close to your heart, but never able to muster the courage to say those words as I knew they will make him sad again. I always thought that I should be the first one to go in my family so that I don’t have to feel that pain. I know, I was being coward and selfish but I didn’t know how I would ever handle that pain.
I never had the faintest idea that I’ll lose Papa so early. The words “Losing Papa” hardly describe the loss. He is the one who encouraged and appreciated my first failed attempt to cook something even though I completely forgot to put salt in it. His response was “Bahut achchi banai h, chalo isko thoda or garam karte h or thoda sa namak milate h” (It’s very delicious, now let’s warm it little and mix a pinch of salt). He is the first person with whom I had my first mature political discussion. For the record, at that time he was Anti BJP and I was Pro Modi. He is the first male in my life who told me that the tradition of not visiting the temples at the time of mensuration is a hoax. At the beginning of mensuration days, when at nights I used to call my mother, he used to come instead and give me a sanitary pad and later made me sleep. Even when I was in the hostel, he used to call me during my period days a lot and ask about my stomach cramps and health. He is the one who stood with me in my fights against some wrongdoing which was happening in my college on the basis of gender. Sometimes I felt I’ll take a step back but he gave me strength.
In the first 15 years of my life, I never celebrated my birthday with a cake, I celebrated it with a special “kheer” (pudding) cooked by Papa. It is THE BEST “kheer” till today. On my first birthday away from home, he drove for 8 hrs to make sure that special kheer, my first birthday cake, and my family are with me and he did all this despite having an injury in his leg.
My father was a businessman so he had to deal with money a lot which meant he used to count a lot of currency bundles and it was very fascinating for me the way and with the speed, he used to count. But we (me and my younger brother) were not allowed to see when he was doing this because my parents used to think if we saw a lot of money we’ll not concentrate on our studies. So one evening when he was returning from my hostel after meeting me. He pulled out some money to give me and he started counting it in the same way, that day I said “Papa, mujeh bhi sikhao na mujeh nahi aata aise note ginna” (Papa, I also want to learn the way you count these notes). He said “Kya karogi sikh kar me hu na” (Why you want to learn? I’m here for you.). I said “phir kya jab me job karugi or mujeh apne paise ginne honge” (How I’ll do it when I’ll start earning) and He said “Tab bhi to me rahuga, tum kamana, rupaye me ginuga tumahre.” (I’ll still be there for you, I’ll count it for you) that day neither of us knew that he won’t be with me for this. Since my first salary was credited into my account till today I relive that moment again and again It gives me a smile thinking about our conversation of that day but leaves me with a scream inside my heart.
When I was a kid, I wasn’t aware of the celebrations of father’s day, mother’s day, or any other such days for that matter. When I came out for my studies in a city, I learned about these days and started wishing them. I used to ask Papa What should I gift you. He said “Ye mere paise h abhi, jab tum kamana to me khud Ford Endeavour le lunga tumahre paiso se” (Don’t worry about my gift right now. Once you start earning I’ll gift myself a Ford Endeavour with your money) He was very fond of SUVs and driving in general. We used to go on long drives during our vacations. Now when I live in a big city, I see all these cars on the road, when these days (father’s day) are around, or when I go on a long drive, I think how I never got a chance to fulfill the dream of the person, who made me capable of fulfilling my dreams.
Well, I can keep on going with our moments which shaped me, the list is never-ending. But I want to conclude here with the two bits of advice he gave me on separate occasions. First “Beta, tum roya mat karo, jab tum roti ho na mujeh samjah nahi aata kya karu, mujeh batao kya hua hum milkar solve karenge” (Please don’t cry, I feel helpless when you do so. Share with me what’s wrong and we’ll solve it together.) and second “Hamesha khush raho or dusro ko khush rakho per pehle apna dhyan rakho” (Always be happy and make others happy but first take care of yourself.). But while He was trying to make me understand the second thing he forgot to apply it on himself. I think I also used to forget his second piece of advice.
But now I’m learning to take care of my self. If you are still reading you have got the idea I was very heartbroken after losing him. Because I just didn’t lose my Papa, I lost a part of my life probably the most significant one. But I recognize it now and I am working on taking care of myself by seeking medical help and trying to live a happy life as Papa did.
